Fool

It would be easy to say that I'm staying up late waiting for the last load of laundry to come out of the dryer. After all, I am surrounded by folded clothes, and the dryer is indeed hard at work in the utility closet. I mean, you gotta fold those khakis ASAP or they get nasty-wrinkled.

Yes, I could say that to anyone who happened by. But that would be a lie. I am up watching my new favorite show: I Pity The Fool.

For those who do not know, this is a reality program in which a distressed family is coached and helped by none other than Mr. T.

It's self help! It's about bringing people together! It's therapy with the guy who played the idiot on the A-Team! ["I ain't gettin' on that plane! I ain't gettin' on that plane!" / "Here, BA, have this milk." / "Okay!" (passes out)]

This television program is amazing. It is the worst thing anyone could ever imagine. Ever. I love it.

I'll discuss the episode a bit, but must begin with what I see as the key part of the show: Mr. T's entrance. After we meet the family and hear about their problems, Mr. T literally runs up the street to the family's house. We watch them watch him coming for some time. It's wonderfully awkward. He is in a red track suit. He looks about 80. [I have to force myself to think of him as Rocky III rival Clubber Lang. Once fearsome and fierce. ("Mr. Lang, what is your prediction for the fight?" / "Prediction? PAIN.")]

A lengthy scene ensues in which T hears the family discuss their problems and responds with sage advice:

"Three plus one equals nuthin!!"

Or, the gem:

"The biggest room in the house? Room for improvement!"

Please understand that I list only a couple of quotes, because really these are the only ones I actually understood. Mostly, T just furrows his brow and growls things like, "Listen, people, you're a family! You gotta (something unintelligible). You gotta (something). And, (something) don't cut it around here. No, not (something) no more!"

The show then cuts between shots of the family members. The mother is in an awe of some fashion. The sister looks confused. The brother looks like he doesn't understand why they couldn't have gotten on Shalom in the Home instead.

There are then several very terrible scenes of Mr. T with each family member and the father (who's been distant from the family and spends all his time in a nasty armchair - the fool!). T is trying to bring them together. To make things right. The best of these scenes is when T takes father and daughter to a grubby little arcade to play skeeball and whack-a-gator and such.

Mr. T's voiceover? Completely appropriate, of course!

"They weren't just whackin' down alligators; they were whackin' down the walls between them!"

Or:

"Some people call it air hockey; I call it love hockey."

The climax of the episode takes place on a large sports field of some kind. It seems that Mr. T has convinced the father to burn up that nasty old chair as a symbol of rejoining the family.

The mother is in tears, the children stunned. Mr. T? Why, he's at the ready with deep commentary about the weight of what is happening: "This is your chair! Goin’ up in smokes! It might let off some unusual gasses!"

The family united, T's work is done. And, you guessed it, he leaves by running off. And, um, they're on this field. And, um, he runs away from the camera, so we have to watch him for, well, a really long time. Trotting out of sight. Trotting until he's a little, tiny, red track suited Mr. T. A teeny Mr. T. A distant Mr. T.

Always appropriate, Mr. T decides to close this episode with poetry.

"There once was a man named Frank
Who had a chair that done stank
(Something unintelligible)
(Something unintelligible)
Now they got Mr. T to thank!"

Here, Mr. T. Drink this milk.